Queen + Queen does a Queendom make.
There is nothing better than dancing with a queen. It is not only the attention, it is rather the quality than the quantity of the attention. The latter, generally unfortunately, never poses a problem for "attractive" women, but the quality is always an issue. When she dances with a queen, she feels herself queen, experiencing queendom with a queen in an undeniable way--before others. It is one thing to be a queen, another to know you are, another to know others, and finally, another to be seen with a queen. A queen plus a queen does a queendom make. She thinks so. The attention has the proper quality of awe.
"Have any girls come up to you yet?" asks Joe[?]. Poor me, she thinks: "Girls don't do that." She says that as a dare to be proven wrong. Tonight. Sometimes it is, but in comparison with "men," it is as if they didn't. The numbers are bad. What is the point of comparison? There's only one: jealousy, and hence pity for herself. How many days has it been? she thinks, since I have been...held, touched by a touch that is asking and asks nothing. She always wants this, which is seldom there, on any part. She does not remember.
Irreme turns, and looses herself in the crowd, just to see. "Smile," she reminds herself, "look people in the eye, if you want to meet someone. Stop holding your head down out of fear. You cannot only be afraid of violence and too persistent men." She finds the one corner unlike a sardine can, and catches the music like the wind. She starts dancing as she moves past people and she smiles, into a queen's sparkling eyes. She is very small and she is wearing an old out of shape or perfectly shaped cowboy hat, low over her eyes. Her long blond hair hides the countours of her face, and the smile that shines past the veils is beaming. As she soon notices, it is beaming with intoxication. Intoxication is not
a judgment. People can smile into each other. People can smile into each other's eyes, which is also smiling into each other's faces. It happens like an accident, but it isn't. And then something is left. An impression. A trace. Alehandra!(That's right, girl, RRRoll that r like it was yourrs.) Say it to yourself, and you hear the royal h like applause. Say it in a queen's smooth and raspy voice and you are seduced.
"She beckons and i cannot look around to check if it is me she beckons. I know it is because i feel the spark of her eyes in mine. I come, carried by it." Alehandra keeps dancing and smiling into Irreme, and Irreme follows. Then she leads and follows. She wants to do it simultaneously, but she must admit she is not practiced enough. So few people know how to lead and follow in one breath. To do so would be to follow a way, perhaps. Not a direction, but a way. Abstraction is not a solution, but an inspiration. Irreme dances with a queen, Alehandra, every moment of which is a true event. There are no technicalities in movement.
This story has certainly not ended.
"Have any girls come up to you yet?" asks Joe[?]. Poor me, she thinks: "Girls don't do that." She says that as a dare to be proven wrong. Tonight. Sometimes it is, but in comparison with "men," it is as if they didn't. The numbers are bad. What is the point of comparison? There's only one: jealousy, and hence pity for herself. How many days has it been? she thinks, since I have been...held, touched by a touch that is asking and asks nothing. She always wants this, which is seldom there, on any part. She does not remember.
Irreme turns, and looses herself in the crowd, just to see. "Smile," she reminds herself, "look people in the eye, if you want to meet someone. Stop holding your head down out of fear. You cannot only be afraid of violence and too persistent men." She finds the one corner unlike a sardine can, and catches the music like the wind. She starts dancing as she moves past people and she smiles, into a queen's sparkling eyes. She is very small and she is wearing an old out of shape or perfectly shaped cowboy hat, low over her eyes. Her long blond hair hides the countours of her face, and the smile that shines past the veils is beaming. As she soon notices, it is beaming with intoxication. Intoxication is not
a judgment. People can smile into each other. People can smile into each other's eyes, which is also smiling into each other's faces. It happens like an accident, but it isn't. And then something is left. An impression. A trace. Alehandra!(That's right, girl, RRRoll that r like it was yourrs.) Say it to yourself, and you hear the royal h like applause. Say it in a queen's smooth and raspy voice and you are seduced.
"She beckons and i cannot look around to check if it is me she beckons. I know it is because i feel the spark of her eyes in mine. I come, carried by it." Alehandra keeps dancing and smiling into Irreme, and Irreme follows. Then she leads and follows. She wants to do it simultaneously, but she must admit she is not practiced enough. So few people know how to lead and follow in one breath. To do so would be to follow a way, perhaps. Not a direction, but a way. Abstraction is not a solution, but an inspiration. Irreme dances with a queen, Alehandra, every moment of which is a true event. There are no technicalities in movement.
This story has certainly not ended.
posted by irreme seshat at 4:30 PM
9 Comments:
people, women, men and the rest, are beautiful. it's scary out there. too frightening to be oneself no matter the indiscretion. whether it be gender related, unorthodox/kinky/masochistic sex, unsurmountable depression, class/money, or religion. There is a misconception that we are accepting as a "melting pot"-- but it's not entirely true. Can someone love an extreme? does it change love? I think so. Beauty, holds the cards, and the ability to blend in wins the game. Neither of these can i master. there is an aloness that is timeless, and has produced art, and misery the like. sometimes it is daunting, and unescapable, other times a blessing. EH? Good for you, for loving, without these inhibitions. it takes strength.
Oh, darling, but it has not been good for me. How can i say that? i cannot. i know i lie. it has been good for me, and it has been the most destructive good. i am not talking about queens. i will always love queens, and i am one, and you are one. i am talking about loving without hesitation. that has brought me unbearable pain. and yet, here i am, bearing. so i suppose i lie, still.
p.s. i love those pictures of the play you sent. are you in them? it sounds sooo goood! i wish i could go!
I'm in the background of that picture. My "Moment" in the play is in an earlier scene. I know--well, maybe i don't know. But i know that i have been hurt by women more than any man. i have loved them more than i have ever allowed myself to love a man. it feels sisterly, safe, and then when the music's over--it brings a dangerous low. Since going to memphis, you've seemed so different. not as optimistic as i remember. i'm sorry for your pain. maybe love is an addiction. In my head i keep telling myself i'm in love with love. Not even romantic love, because i've never really been "in love"---but love itself. it;'s a high seperate from anything else. and then the music is over. How is it where you are now? what are you doing there? writing? I'm trying to write here. keep soaking up the beauty.
love always
D!
Ah, soaking up the beauty! i think it's rather soaking me up. really. yes, i feel similar with love for women (my queer queer women, trannys and all, of course). but then again the terms: men and women, have made less and less sense to me day by day for years. you know, your writing has always given me that dose of intent for survival, even though (and perhaps esp. when?) i don't always respond. you know, if there's a piece of writing (a poem, a vignette...) you'd like to post on this blog with your name (or whatever name you choose), i'd love it. you know i always want real sharing and co-operation (why is that so hard and threatening?) i'd like to concieve of this "space" as a collaborative creative space....so same goes for others. so, if you'd like, just email me something. of course, you could always post is as a comment, too--i reallllly want to figure out how to make the comments immediately visible, but i haven't been able to yet. hug
ps. i'm convince everything is a drug. and yes, i think love is the most powerful (so the most dangerous?) and yes, me too, me too, except i almost feel like i've had enough. i almost feel like i'll never recover and so perhaps that's enough...i don't know what that means, i just feel it (what an excuse!) I love you, Dana, you've inspired me since i was 16, and you always will--i know.
i'm in a funky coffee shop alone, just coming off my 3rd shift job smelly and trite-- i feel as if i inspire others to bathe more, and drink less coffee, and that is the extent of it. Thank you for the kind words--they made me happy. It's ironic--you and i haven't really talked in years, and i was telling someone how good it was to email and whatnot. I said that you are one of the neatest people i';d ever known, and that you always challenged me, and you were one of the few people i actually had reciprocal, selfless conversations with. intellectually stimualting as i tend to have these needs, and so few can or want to meet them. you have always done it effortlessly. i feel like you are one of those people too good to let go of--and that i will see you again, and that we will both be wiser and better and more successful according to the standards of society--and our conversations will be even richer than before. But i think i'm a coward now. it shames me. I am not a bigot, and personally think there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, but i got very defensive when a woman kept saying/joking that i was a lesbian. and I made it very clear that i wasn't. That was weird---i'm not sure if it was just because i love men so much or because of my mother's prejudice and the awful negative stigma's of "dikes"--- i've gotten a lot of shit since i cut my hair off-and some days i am a coward--- androgony has just always been easy, comfortable, and i don't want to change for the desire of a man!!! How can i be such a coward?! i feel stuck on the fence sometimes. I remember being straight as an arrow slightly homophobic-- not all that comfortable as a much younger person around gay women. in the past couple of years---and in retrospect to my childhood--- i agree with you-0-where gender really might not be that important. it certainly wasn't a choice for anyone, and maybe it should be---it should be. love can't be wrong--it doesn't matter whose it is or for whom. it just can't be wrong--- but what the hell is wrong with me??? why can't i stand up for my convictions??!!! i think i'm terrified of losing the people i love. and religion haunts me still. you are a brave woman, and i am still searching for my own truths. i feel like i'm two different people constantly fighting--and i just want the truth--about life and death and God, and sex--and everything!!! absolution-- i guess i'll get it when i'm dead--or not EH???
anyways, i'm still trying here. thanks for being so brave and yourself. love ya'
D!
i'm in a funky coffee shop alone, just coming off my 3rd shift job smelly and trite-- i feel as if i inspire others to bathe more, and drink less coffee, and that is the extent of it. Thank you for the kind words--they made me happy. It's ironic--you and i haven't really talked in years, and i was telling someone how good it was to email and whatnot. I said that you are one of the neatest people i';d ever known, and that you always challenged me, and you were one of the few people i actually had reciprocal, selfless conversations with. intellectually stimualting as i tend to have these needs, and so few can or want to meet them. you have always done it effortlessly. i feel like you are one of those people too good to let go of--and that i will see you again, and that we will both be wiser and better and more successful according to the standards of society--and our conversations will be even richer than before. But i think i'm a coward now. it shames me. I am not a bigot, and personally think there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, but i got very defensive when a woman kept saying/joking that i was a lesbian. and I made it very clear that i wasn't. That was weird---i'm not sure if it was just because i love men so much or because of my mother's prejudice and the awful negative stigma's of "dikes"--- i've gotten a lot of shit since i cut my hair off-and some days i am a coward--- androgony has just always been easy, comfortable, and i don't want to change for the desire of a man!!! How can i be such a coward?! i feel stuck on the fence sometimes. I remember being straight as an arrow slightly homophobic-- not all that comfortable as a much younger person around gay women. in the past couple of years---and in retrospect to my childhood--- i agree with you-0-where gender really might not be that important. it certainly wasn't a choice for anyone, and maybe it should be---it should be. love can't be wrong--it doesn't matter whose it is or for whom. it just can't be wrong--- but what the hell is wrong with me??? why can't i stand up for my convictions??!!! i think i'm terrified of losing the people i love. and religion haunts me still. you are a brave woman, and i am still searching for my own truths. i feel like i'm two different people constantly fighting--and i just want the truth--about life and death and God, and sex--and everything!!! absolution-- i guess i'll get it when i'm dead--or not EH???
anyways, i'm still trying here. thanks for being so brave and yourself. love ya'
D!
Actually, I change my mind-- i'm not a coward. In retrospect i realized i wasn't mad at that woman for calling me a lesbian-- i love people, men, women, and "the rest"--and i'm not ashamed--i fight for that conviction with my bigot redneck family. I was mad at that woman for making me feel bad about being a lesbian--even though i'm not-- i was outraged at HER derrogatory TONE to me--- and i did stand up for myself. coincidentally i don't really believe in violence, but i was prepared to "open a can of whoop-ass." I'm no coward, but i do still search for answers to questions that will never really be answered. at least not by someone omniscient--- not by someone whose opinion can out rank my gut. there is no one like that. here i go rambling at you again--all you want to do is smoke french cigarettes and make your mark on the world. whelp--later.
love D!
oh, dana, you're so fine you blow my mind! for real, i was thinking of what to say, and you said it sooo much better than i could've! yeah!!!!!!!!! and i can smoke (i can't afford cigarrettes, and marlboro's are apparently french, i smoke tabac) and write at the same time (one of my few talents!). let's pick another post to continue the conversation on! i'll go to the picture above (the zeros are fucking with my ability to communicate).
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